I LOVE JOE ERWIN

Joe at the beach 1991.

When I began this blog back this past summer I had no idea where all this talk of love was going to take me.  It's made me examine all aspects of love in my life.  Today has been one of those days.

I had an omen that something was wrong on Saturday morning when I opened my door and across the roof top I saw the black crow.  It turned to look at me and it made it's caw sound.  I put it out of my mind.

Then this morning after my Sunday AA meeting I listened to a voicemail from my good friend Glenda that told me to call her back as soon as possible.  Glenda broke the news to me that my ex lover and partner from Orlando, Joe Erwin had died.

For the first hour or so I was in shock.  Sitting in a french bakery restaurant in the middle of West Hollywood, I contemplated our time together.  I questioned myself as to how long it had really been since I had spoken to Joe.  Several years ago I am sure, our Christmas cards had stopped being sent. 
I had moved 4 times and had that horribly bad relationship from two years ago.  We lost touch.

I kept looking for him on facebook this past year.  I had found his old address but for some reason this year, I didn't send a card.  I didn't lose it until I was walking back to my truck and I began to think about the painting he did of me when we were together.  That painting is the one thing that will always remind me of how much he loved me in that moment.  I haven't sobbed like this in years.  Call it compounded it grief, it literally stopped me on the sidewalk and doubled me over.  I stood by my truck for a good 20 minutes just letting it flow out of me.  I let go of all the unresolved feelings, the amends that I feel I still have to make to him, the lose of not getting to say goodbye in person.

Joe and I met at Universal Studios and were together for only a few years.
I behaved poorly in the relationship and it ended badly!  I went to live temporarily with my brother and his wife in Sarasota.  Our good friend Trisha saw me that summer and inquired as to Joe's health.  She had seen him in a play and had noted that he didn't look very good.  Being that I have lived my life in a sort of denial when it comes to partners and lovers, I just thought he had a cold that summer. 

It was 1993. 

Joe was diagnosed with pneumocystis pneumonia (PCP).  And he had full blown AIDS.  I went and got myself tested and back then it took a week to get the test results back.  I went to California to take an Eric Morris Acting workshop and to spend time with Glenda who had moved to LA earlier that year. 

When I returned to Orlando, my dear friend Scott picked me up and was there with me when I got my HIV test results.  I will forever be grateful to he and his partner at the time Paul for keeping me at their house for a few days after I learned that I to was HIV positive.  I called Joe and he didn't really want me to see him.  I wanted to apologize for my bad behavior in our relationship but he really just wanted to get back to the place he had been in before he met me.  And so I honored his request and left him alone to heal by himself.

About 5 weeks after my diagnosis I went to a newly diagnosed HIV/AIDS support group meeting at the newly created Orlando AIDS service center.  When I saw Joe I was shocked at his weight loss. 
We talked briefly but by the end of our conversation I knew that he really didn't want to continue our relationship.  It broke my heart.

And learning of his passing today broke my heart completely open.

Smart, talented and excellent painter, actor and singer.
My personal saddness is the fact that I screwed up our relationship and therefore wasn't a part of this extraordinary man's life for many years.  I am eternally grateful that he did have loyal friends in Orlando from our theme park days that love him unconditionally and hopefully were there for him until the very end.

Peace to you sweet lover, gentle soul, go gently into the light and sing, sing, sing.

G